Sorry, I do not know the origin of this.
It must have been under the cover of darkness that the little orphaned child was left on my doorstep. I’m not sure who left him, but I figured they must have known me very well to trust me that way. I suppose I was a good candidate since I had grown up watching my parents care for their adopted children. I didn’t have to sign any papers, pay any money, or deal with Social Services. I really don’t remember the exact day he showed up at my door. But I remember that I fell in love at first sight and thought, “This is exactly what I need to be whole.”
He was a chubby little guy. I loved his roly-poly legs and his plump fingers. His cheeks were rosy and round, the kind you want to reach out and pinch. His eyes sparkled and his smile melted my heart. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t give him. And he knew it.
It started out innocently enough. He would ask for something that I knew he shouldn’t have, or he would ask for seconds, (sometimes thirds!) of some special treat. I would say no at first, but he was quite persistent and I would give in to his request soon enough. He had me wrapped around his little finger. Of course, he always shared with me. So at least I was getting something out of it as well.
I nurtured him and cared for him. I fed him when he was hungry, soothed him when he was fussy. I cherished that little one and gave him everything he asked for. It made me feel good. I just knew he was the thing that would make me feel whole. I took care of him like he was my own flesh and blood.
Over the years, I never really noticed how clingy he was. A few people had pointed it out to me, but that just made me defensive. After all, he was MY baby and I could spoil him if I wanted to. I had always carried him on my hip. It was just something I got used to. What were they insinuating? That it was unhealthy? That really offended me.
The years went by and still I carried him. It wasn’t until recently that I noticed how heavy he had become. This was a shock for me when I realized how long I had been carrying him around. Why, one day I looked at the calendar and I realized I had been carrying him for roughly 25 years! Shouldn’t he be grown by now? Moving on? I’ve done everything I could to make him feel loved and comforted. Maybe I was a little too good at loving him. Now he doesn’t want to leave. But doesn’t every child grow up and move away eventually?
Not only did I notice his increasing weight, but I also think he’s been much more demanding lately. I looked at him in the mirror today for the first time in many years. How strange that was! He had not changed a bit…he was still two years old, and he still had the chubby legs and plump fingers, the rosy red cheeks and sparkling eyes. There was a hunger in those eyes though that I hadn’t noticed before. It frightened me.
Strange that he is so heavy now. His outward appearance is as cute as ever. But he is awfully heavy! It’s like carrying a full-grown man, on my hip, everyday! No wonder I’m tired.
Yes, I think it is time for him to move on. But I’ve decided that before. I would take one look at that sweet face and he’d give me that disarming smile. Then he’d say, “Oh please…just one more meal together? For old time’s sake.” Or he’d say, “Don’t you remember, today is a day to celebrate! Let’s feast together now and we’ll talk about me moving out tomorrow.” I couldn’t resist his words. It did feel good to be needed like that.
But today I am troubled. His eyes are hungry. He scares me with the insistence in his voice. He is clinging to me and although it used to feel so right, now it is increasingly uncomfortable. His arms, once lovingly wrapped around my neck feel as if they are choking me, making it difficult to breathe. His legs wrapped around my body make it difficult to move.
Does he know that I want him to leave? Of course he does. I’ve told him many times. I’ve even been firm and resolutely set him down and walked away from him before. But we always seemed to find each other again. Well, truth be told, I went looking for him. Even though I wanted to leave him behind, I always turned back and searched for him. It was a strange mix of guilt, shame, and relief when I found him again. Then it was harder and harder to get him off of me, until one day I finally quit trying.
Here I am again though. Wanting him to leave. He hasn’t said anything to me. But I know what he is thinking. I can hear it in my head, like it is my own thought.
“You’re going to try and leave me again, aren’t you? But I know things you don’t know. You can’t let me go. I’m a part of you now. What would your life be without me? Where would you get your needs met? You have needs too you know.
You meet my needs and I meet yours. We have such a good thing going here. Why would you want to give that up?”
It seems like he gets very vocal like that whenever I try to pray. I’ve come to know Jesus in the past few years and it is interesting that whenever I begin to speak to Jesus, the little boy on my hip wants to talk to me. He is such a pest! Always interrupting.
Actually, it was Jesus who held up the mirror for me today. It’s also Jesus that suggested I abandon this little guy. (who is getting heavier every day!)
Abandon him? Well, I’ve tried that before.
Renounce him? Refuse to feed him? Isn’t that rather heartless?
“Jesus…I hear what you are asking me to do. I want to run away with You, Lord. I want to be free and follow You. But this little one depends on me. And I depend on him.”
Jesus replied, “I know. But you have been deceived. Take a look at what you are truly carrying.”
Again, Jesus held up the mirror. I looked and almost fainted. The “toddler” I was carrying was actually the most horrendous being I’d ever seen. It was bloated and sickly; it’s skin the color of spoiled food. It had actually grown into my skin and turned my body into a big pillow to sit on.
Those chubby legs wrapped around me were covered with lesions. The rosy cheeks now sunken and hollow. The eyes had the same sparkle, but the sparkle looked evil, filled with pure greed. The malevolent look in its eyes made me afraid for my very life.
Its teeth were long, sharp fangs and its throat…well that was the most shocking thing of all. Its throat was connected to my stomach!
I gasped in horror as I saw the truth. I cried out to Jesus, “Please! Help me! I didn’t know!”
He asked me, “Are you willing now to abandon it? Will you forsake it and quit feeding it? You must leave it to die. Are you willing to let me operate on you and separate the two of you?”
“Yes, Yes!” I cried, “I want to be rid of this thing. You know I have tried many times to get away, but I always went back. Now it has become me! Please Jesus. Help me!”
“Daughter, it is going to take radical surgery to remove it. In fact, you will die. But don’t be afraid. I am the resurrection and the life. In me you will be a new creation. Even though it may call your name, it will never be attached to you again. Is this what you wish?” Jesus said gently.
“Yes Lord. I trust You. You showed me the truth and opened my eyes. No one else has ever done that for me. I’ll follow you into death. Just promise me that this thing will never come back and live in me.” I said.
“I promise. It will no longer have power over you. I will strip it of its power.”
Being so tired from carrying the monster around, and the shock of seeing what it really looked like, I began to drift off to sleep. The Lord picked me up in His arms and the last thing I heard as I fell asleep was a high-pitched, shrieking sound.
When I awoke I was clothed in white linen. I was in my room. Sleeping in my bed. Then I remembered what had happened right before I fell asleep. I gasped and ran to the mirror.
Shaking, I looked tentatively in the mirror. I saw myself. I was whole. I was different. The same on the outside, but that thing was no longer attached to me. My garment glowed and was spotless. I realized that I felt absolutely clean, inside and out. I twirled in front of the mirror, amazed at how I could move and how light I felt! It was wonderful to be so free!
I have been free for some time now. The Lord walks with me and watches over me, guarding me from the evil one, who still looks for ways to trap me in his snares.
Occasionally I hear that monster calling me, trying to lure me to return to him, using his sweet voice. It evokes memories that are bittersweet. I remind it that I died. I’m a new creation and it can’t live with me any longer. I remind myself that I abandoned it and will no longer feed it. Then I go on my way, secure in the love and protection of my Lord.
I asked Jesus once if He would tell me the name of that “little one” that I had cared for all those years. It was strange to me that after all those years together I didn’t know its name. “Yes daughter, I will tell you it’s name…. its name is INDULGENCE and when it attached itself to you, it became SELF INDULGENCE. As you walk with Me daily, taking up your cross and denying yourself, you remind the enemy that he is defeated. He is angry and desires to leave other monsters on your doorstep. But don’t fear my daughter. You no longer live alone. I own your house, I’ve moved in and your house has become My very temple. I have cleansed you from within and set everything its right place. I am teaching you so that you don’t let anything that isn’t of Me in the house again. So do not fear. I will never leave you alone or turn away from you.”
Praise to You Lord Jesus, for exposing the enemy. Praise to You Lord Jesus for defeating every foe. I look forward to the day, King Jesus, when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that You are Lord. You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I am a new creation in You. You are my very life. Keep me and guide me in Your ways. Teach me and lead me. I will follow You until the very end. I will never turn back; never look back, and never answer the taunting calls from the shadows of my past. You have set me free, You have given me life; You have made all things new. Thank you Lord Jesus!
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